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A funeral is a formal service of remembrance with the body present, in either a closed or open casket. Your funeral director or clergy can advise you on many aspects of etiquette relating to the actual funeral service.

If your loved one hasn’t preplanned, you will need to make a number of decisions:

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A funeral is a formal service of remembrance with the body present, in either a closed or open casket. A memorial service is similar to a funeral but the body is not present. Your funeral director or clergy can advise you on many aspects of funeral planning etiquette relating to the actual service.

See also Celebrations of Life

The many aspects of funeral planning etiquette relating to the actual service will depend on the customs and traditions of your religion and your culture. Your funeral director or clergy can advise you on the details of etiquette for your service.

If your loved one has preplanned, then many of the decisions relating to the funeral will already be made. If they haven’t made arrangement in advance you will need to make a number of decisions.

Funeral Planning Etiquette: Decisions about the Service.

Where to hold the funeral: Traditional choices include a funeral chapel or a place of worship. Funerals also are held in places that hold special meaning for the deceased. It is legal to hold a funeral on private property anywhere in the U.S. When choosing a location, consider whether or not it will be appropriate for the type of service you are planning.

What kind of service: Your clergy or funeral director can help you understand your options for the service. This includes items such as:

• Who will perform the service.
• Who will give the eulogy.
• Whether to include music, photo display or a video or digital tribute.
• If the service will be public or private.
• Whether to have an open microphone for people to offer impromptu tributes.
• Measures to take if the deceased was a military veteran.

Open or closed casket: Deciding on whether or not to have an open or closed casket can be a difficult decision for many families. Do not feel pressured. Do what you think is best or what the deceased specified. If having the casket present is not an option for you for any reason, it is appropriate to hold a memorial service or celebration of life instead.

Whom to choose as pallbearers: Traditionally, close friends or business associates are invited to be pallbearers. While not common, family members may also be chosen. See pallbearers.

Whether to have a public or private interment: If the deceased is to be buried, generally there will be a funeral procession from the funeral location to the grave site, followed by a brief, simple service before the casket is lowered. Similarly, if the deceased has been cremated, the remains can be inurned during a brief ceremony at the cemetery or the ashes scattered at a desired time and place.

See also Celebrations of Life

Funeral Director

Funeral directors are professionals who are trained to help families make decisions regarding burial or cremation of a loved one. If you are expecting a death in the family, you can contact a local funeral home and ask the funeral director any questions about funeral planning etiquette you might have. When death occurs, no matter what hour of the day or night, you can call the funeral director who will be prepared to assist you with transporting the remains and taking care of all other arrangements that are necessary.

Burial Garments

You will need to decide on the final clothing for the deceased and provide it to the funeral home, or consult with the funeral home for clothing they can provide that is specially made for this purpose and particularly suited for open-casket viewing.

• If you would like the deceased to be buried in a work uniform, confirm with your loved one’s employer that they will not expect the uniform to be returned.
• In addition to clothing, you may also include items such as jewelry, a favorite book, or, for a child, a special toy or blanket. Be sure to consider these items carefully before deciding to part with them permanently.

Receiving Condolence Calls

Expect many calls as soon as word of your loved one’s passing is made public. If calls from concerned and sympathetic friends are overwhelming you, it is appropriate to have a friend or another family member screen the calls. Be sure they write down the first and last name and phone number of each caller so you can return or acknowledge the call as needed. This is especially important for those who are offering tangible help or gifts of food; you may want to get in touch with them later.

Children Attending Funerals

If there are young children in your family, you will need to decide whether they should attend the services. Children younger than five will have little or no understanding of what is going on, and they may be disruptive during this solemn occasion; consider also that they could be upset by the grief expressed during the service. Children who are old enough to attend should be told what to expect so they can be prepared. This is especially important if there will be an open casket. Addressing questions in advance also helps avoid spontaneous and potentially embarrassing questions during the service.

Clergy

If you have a church affiliation or are a member of a congregation, it is proper to notify your pastor, priest, or rabbi when death is expected or imminent, or immediately following the death. The role of a clergy member is to offer comfort, prayer, and advice throughout this difficult time. You can also request their assistance in planning the funeral or memorial service, in officiating, or with tips on funeral planning etiquette. It is customary to thank the clergy for their assistance and to offer an honorarium if they are involved in the service. See Honorarium.

Committal

If your loved one will be buried, you may want to have a formal committal, which follows the graveside service.

• A prayer is offered, and the family and close friends witness the lowering of the casket into the ground.
• If desired, someone shovels the first dirt onto the casket.
• Flowers also may be tossed onto the casket.
• It is acceptable to leave before the casket is lowered since this ritual is a painful sight for many grieving family members.

Death Away from Home

If a death occurs in a city other than the one in which the person will be buried or cremated, arrangements must be made for the body to be transported. Your first step will be to contact a funeral director in the destination city; the funeral director can advise you on the protocol and practical considerations for returning your loved one to the desired location.

Donations (memorial gifts)

• It is acceptable to request that donations be made to a favorite cause or charity in lieu of flowers.
• You can select an organization that was a favorite of your loved one, or perhaps one that has some special meaning; for example, for someone who battled breast cancer, an appropriate choice might be Susan G. Komen for the Cure.
• The “in lieu of flowers” notice can be included with the obituary. (Be prepared to receive flowers anyway, since there will be some who prefer to follow this custom rather than make a donation.)
• Well-meaning friends also may desire to make a financial contribution directly to your family, especially if the deceased was the major breadwinner or your situation seems to be tenuous, perhaps after a long illness. If so, be prepared either to graciously receive monetary gifts or graciously refuse them.
• All gifts should be acknowledged with a note of thanks.

Eulogy

If you are holding a funeral, memorial service, or wake, it is appropriate and expected that a eulogy will be delivered. This speech can take the form of a remembrance given by a clergy member, family member, friend, or colleague. A eulogy also can accompany a slide show or be told through a video.

If you leave the writing of the eulogy up to the person in charge of the service, expect that the obituary probably will be read word-for-word. Is that really what you want, or is there more personal information to share, perhaps a funny story or interesting or inspirational details about the person’s life, family, and work?

Perhaps a family member wants to write the eulogy but have the clergy or funeral director deliver it; this can be a good and acceptable solution for honoring the deceased’s memory while protecting the bereaved from a public show of grief. Many family members would find it extremely difficult to keep their composure while delivering a eulogy but would feel quite comfortable writing it for someone else to deliver.

See Writing Eulogies for additional information such as how to choose a theme, how to organize a eulogy, and how to deliver a eulogy.

Guestbook (register book)

Supply a guestbook for people who attend the visitation, wake, funeral, or memorial service. The guestbook also can be used when visitors call on you at home. The register isn’t just for the convenience of your visitors or for sending thank-you notes; it also will be a source of comfort when you read the guests’ names and comments later.

A selection of guest books or registers usually will be offered for purchase as part of the funeral home’s services. You can also find them online, in office supply, and gift stores.

Honorarium

It is customary to thank the clergy for their assistance and to offer an honorarium if they are involved in the service.

• A thank-you note or card should be sent separately from the honorarium.
• It is considered inappropriate to ask the clergy what fee they “charge” for funerals. A typical honorarium is $150–300, in consideration of the hours spent with the family and performing the service.
• A smaller amount is often given to the soloist, choir director, and/or musician, especially if he or she is not a close personal friend.

Memorial Gifts

See Donations.

Memorial Service (celebration of life)

A memorial service is similar to a funeral, but the body is not present. In the past only the most formal and solemn funerals were appropriate, today it is more common and acceptable to hold a “celebration of life” to remember your loved one.

If the deceased did not preplan, you will have many decisions to make; see Funeral.

• Generally, the tone and spirit of a memorial service is more informal and more joyful, in remembrance of a life well lived and a person well loved.
• As long as the dignity of the occasion and the respect for the deceased are maintained, you are almost unlimited in your choices regarding what will best honor your loved one’s memory.
• Many memorial services include open microphones for impromptu tributes, music that was meaningful to the deceased, digital or video presentations, a memory table, decorations, speeches or toasts, food and drink, balloon or dove releases, and so on.

Obituary Notices and Other Notifications

When a death occurs, notify family as quickly as possible, especially those who are out of town.

• Contrary to popular belief, airlines rarely offer concessions on tickets these days (“bereavement fares”), and the sooner you can decide on a date for the funeral and notify extended family, the less they may have to pay for transportation.
• An obituary notice is a public notification of a death that appears in a newspaper or online. Most newspapers today charge to publish an obituary.
• If you are working with a funeral home, the funeral director will assist you reporting the death to the proper authorities and drafting the obituary.
• Your responsibility will be to supply any desired photographs and information about your loved one’s life and accomplishments.
• The obituary is often the only means of notifying the community about the funeral or memorial plans, so be sure to include that information, as well as any notification that you wish to have donations to a favorite cause “in lieu of flowers.”

If the deceased was a long-time resident of another town or city, it is appropriate and helpful to that community to place an obituary in their local newspaper.

Pallbearers

Pallbearers carry (or, if honorary, accompany) the casket during formal services. If the deceased didn’t select pallbearers in advance, you may choose six among the deceased’s close friends, business associates, or fellow church members. If you are unable to find pallbearers, the funeral home can provide them.

Be sure that pallbearers you are selecting (unless honorary) can actually perform the task of lifting and carrying a casket with dignity and respect. You should thank each pallbearer after the funeral with a personal note or card.

Although it uncommon for immediate family members to serve as pallbearers, this practice is more acceptable today. It’s best, however, to avoid selecting people who will need to be there to support another family member. For example, a grown son may need to sit with (and offer moral support to) his mother rather than serve as a pallbearer at his father’s funeral.

Photography

Decide in advance whether there is a reason to allow photography or videotaping during the service; perhaps you have out-of-town family members who will want a remembrance.

It is generally considered inappropriate to photograph the open casket, but again, the bereaved may make this decision. If photography is allowed, it is best to keep it as discrete as possible, with no flashes going off during the service and no invasion of the privacy of the bereaved. You also need to be particularly aware of what may be going on in the background of your photos. You want to be careful not to intrude on the privacy of those attending the service.

Private or Public Service?

Will your loved one’s service be private or public? As the bereaved, you may make this decision taking into account the wishes of the deceased, his or her noteworthiness in the community, and the number of people who may want to pay their respects. The obituary should include the notification regarding whether the services are public or private. It is acceptable to have both, e.g., a public memorial service and a private graveside ceremony.

Contributor: Jenny Mertes

 

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]]> https://www.funeralwise.com/funeral-etiquette/bereaved-planning/feed/ 0 etiquette word in letterpress type https://www.funeralwise.com/celebration-of-life/eulogy/stepanek/ https://www.funeralwise.com/celebration-of-life/eulogy/stepanek/#respond Thu, 23 Dec 2010 16:07:36 +0000 https://www.funeralwise.com/plan/eulogy/stepanek/ When I was running for governor a number of years ago, my wife and I didn't have much money so we traveled around the state and we estimated later that we shook hands personally with 600,000 people.

Later I ran for president, as some of you may remember, and campaigned in all 50 states. Subsequently, I traveled around the world. In fact, since I left the White House, my wife and I have been to more than 120 nations. And we have known kings and queens, and we've known presidents and prime ministers, but the most extraordinary person whom I have ever known in my life is Mattie Stepanek.

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]]> When I was running for governor a number of years ago, my wife and I didn’t have much money so we traveled around the state and we estimated later that we shook hands personally with 600,000 people.

Later I ran for president, as some of you may remember, and campaigned in all 50 states. Subsequently, I traveled around the world. In fact, since I left the White House, my wife and I have been to more than 120 nations. And we have known kings and queens, and we’ve known presidents and prime ministers, but the most extraordinary person whom I have ever known in my life is Mattie Stepanek.

I didn’t know Mattie until about three years ago when Make-A-Wish Foundation sent me a letter and said there was a little boy who only had a few more days to live and his final request was to meet Jimmy Carter. I was surprised and honored and within a few days, as a matter of fact, the Good Morning America program arranged for Mattie to be interviewed and for me to come there as a surprise to meet with him. He later told his mother, Jeni, that when I walked in the room he thought it was a presidential impersonator. And later, when it proved to be me, he told Jeni, and Jeni told me, that that was the first time in his life, and maybe the only time, when Mattie was speechless. But we exchanged greetings and formed, I would say, an instantaneous bond of love.

The next morning back home, Mattie woke up and he told Jeni what a wonderful time he had had. He had been dreaming, but he was so proud that he had met Jimmy Carter. And Jeni, often teasing Mattie, said, “Mattie, you must have been dreaming. You haven’t actually met Jimmy Carter,” and Mattie burst into tears and Jeni very quickly reassured him that we had actually had a personal meeting.

That meeting and our subsequent relationship have literally changed my life for the better. Mattie said that day that I had been his hero for a long time and I was sure that he was just joking and he could tell on the ABC program that I didn’t really quite believe him. And so to prove that, he sent me a video, a 20-minute-long video that he had made when he was 6-years-old, explaining the life of Jimmy Carter. And for the different segments in the video, he dressed appropriately.

So, it started out I was a little farm boy and Mattie had on ragged clothes and he spoke with what Rose (Rosalynn) and I thought was an atrocious Southern accent. And then later I was a naval officer and then later I came back to be a farmer and then ultimately was president, so he changed clothes every time. And then while I was president, he gave an appeal to human rights and peace and things of that kind and while the camera was on him, he realized later, his toes kept wiggling, he was barefoot, so for a long time he apologized to me that he should have done that segment over and at least put on shoes to be president.

He sent me another video, which I would like for all of you to try to see. It’s a video of his competition as a black belt in martial arts for the ultimate prize in that intense and demanding sport. It was incredible to see the agility of that young boy and the strength in his body.

Mattie and I began to correspond. After his death, Jeni gave me the honor of letting me come and do this speech. I had my secretary get out our correspondence. It’s that thick, on every possible subject. He was always in some degree of anguish, and I think embarrassment, when his books on the New York Times list were always above mine. And he would sympathize with me and say, “Well, you know maybe poetry just has less competition than what you are writing about.” But he was very sensitive to my feelings. We also were close enough for Mattie to share some of his problems with me in his private messages. He talked about when he and Jeni were not well off and some local churches, I’m sure not the one represented here this morning, would take up a food collection and send it to them. Mattie used to examine the labels on the food and quite often he said he would find that the date had expired and that people were giving poor people inferior food that they didn’t want to use themselves. And Mattie said, “If my books make a lot of money, we’re going to get food that’s brand new and make sure that poor people get the best food, even if we have to eat the old, outdated food in our house.”

He was very proud of the fact that he and his mother could move into a place that had windows.

I’ve thought a lot about Mattie’s religious faith. It’s all-encompassing, to include all human beings who believe in peace and justice and humility and service and compassion and love. The exact characteristics of our Savior Jesus Christ. He was still a boy, although he had the mind and the consciousness and the awareness of global affairs of a mature, philosophical adult.

One of his prime goals in life was to see the movie “Return of the King” seven times and I hope he was able to accomplish his goal. I’m not quite sure. But that was the kind of thing that he had as his ambitions.

He was as proud as I was when I won the Nobel Peace Prize, which has already been mentioned. As soon as the ceremony was over at the hall in Oslo, I went by myself to the top of a little hill right behind the place and I found a rock and I inscribed on it and I sent it to Mattie, because I felt that he shared the honor that I had received.

The last few days, I have been re-reading some of Mattie’s statements that he wrote to me, I’ve re-read the correspondence. One thing he said was, “I choose to live until death, not spend the time dying until death occurs.”

Jeni told me about one occasion when Mattie was supposed to be a main part of the program which he helped prepare to raise funds for muscular dystrophy, but when the time approached he was in the intensive care unit. They announced at first that Mattie could not attend the event that meant so much to him, in which he had helped in its preparation. He insisted on coming. When he got there and began to say his lines, he announced, “I’m out of breath. I can’t speak.” Mattie loved to dress up and to wear fancy clothes and his favorite kind of clothes, as some of you may surmise, was a tuxedo. So Jeni and Mattie arranged for him to put on a tuxedo and he said, “When I have a tuxedo on, I can talk.” So he went back with his tuxedo.

Mattie said he wanted to be, as an ultimate goal in his life, an ambassador of humanity and a daddy. Mattie had already named his first seven children and had even given personal idiosyncrasies and characteristics to the first four. He wanted to leave a human legacy and family descendants, but Mattie’s legacy, obviously, is much greater than that.

As has already been quoted, he said, “I want to be a poet, a peacemaker and a philosopher who played.” Mattie was deeply aware of international affairs and shared a lot of his thoughts with me. He was once again in the intensive care unit when the war in Iraq began and Mattie burst into uncontrollable sobs of grief and anger. Jeni said he had never cried nearly so much about his own health or his own problems.

He wrote me right after that and I will quote exactly what he said: “Dear Jimmy, I am hurting about the war and I cried last night when I saw the attack on Iraq. I am not trying to be disrespectful, but I feel like President Bush made a decision long ago that he was going to have this war. Imagine if he had spent as much time and energy considering the possibility of peace as he has convincing others of the inevitability of war. We’d be at a different point in history today.”

Mattie was obviously extremely idealistic, but not completely idealistic. He also wrote me in a subsequent letter, “I know that I should be peaceful with everyone, but it’s also not smart,” he said, “to put yourself in a dangerous situation. Like even though I would want to talk to Osama bin Laden about peace in the future, I wouldn’t want to be alone with him in his cave.” In the same letter he asked me if I would join him not just in that meeting, but in writing a book that Mattie wanted to call, and had already named, “Just Peace.”

In an incredible way for a child his age, he analyzed the semantics of the word “just.” The title was “Just Peace” and he said “just” had so many connotations that he thought that was the best word to put before “peace.” He said “just” could be a minimal expectation, just peace, nothing else. It could mean just peace and peace as a paramount commitment, above everything else. And it could mean a peace that was exemplified by justice.

I spent seven years earlier in my life writing a book of poems about which Mattie was graciously complimentary. Poetry seemed to flow out of Mattie, kind of like an automatic stream, directed by inspiration through Mattie’s hands for the enjoyment of hundreds of thousands, maybe millions of people. I want to read just a few of them with which many of you are familiar, because he combined humor with serious thoughts. All of them I would say are unique, surprising when you read them.

One of them is titled “About Angels” and he honored me by letting me write the foreword to this book, called “Journey Through Heartsongs.”

About Angels
Do you know what angels wear?
They wear
Angel-halos and Angel-wings, and
Angel-dresses and Angel-shirts under them, and
Angel-underwear and Angel-shoes and Angel-socks, and
On their heads
They wear
Angel-hair –
Except if they don’t have any hair.
Some children and grownups
Don’t have any hair because they
Have to take medicine that makes it fall out.
And sometimes,
The medicine makes them all better.
And sometimes,
The medicine doesn’t make them all better,
And they die.
And they don’t have any Angel-hair.
So do you know what God does then?
He gives them an
Angel-wig.
And that’s what Angels wear.

I like them all, but there’s another I would like to read.

Heavenly Greeting
Dear God,
For a long time,
I have wondered about
How You will meet me
When I die and come to
Live with You in Heaven.
I know You reach out
Your hand to welcome
Your people into Your home,
But I never knew if You
Reached out Your right hand,
Or if You
Reached out Your left hand.
But now I don’t have to
Wonder about that anymore.
I asked my mommy and
She told me that You
Reach out both of Your hands,
And welcome us with
A great big giant hug.
Wow!
I can’t wait for my hug, God.
Thank you,
And Amen.

And another one that he wrote:

I Could…If They Would
If they would find a cure when I’m a kid…
I could ride a bike and sail on rollerblades, and
I could go on really long nature hikes.
If they would find a cure when I’m a teenager…
I could earn my license and drive a car, and
I could dance every dance at my senior prom.
If they would find a cure when I’m a young adult…
I could travel around the world and teach peace, and
I could marry and have children of my own.
If they would find a cure when I’m grown old…
I could visit exotic places and appreciate culture, and
I could proudly share pictures of my grandchildren.
If they would find a cure when I’m alive…
I could live each day without pain and machines, and
I could celebrate the biggest thank you of life ever.
If they would find a cure when I’m buried into Heaven…
I could still celebrate with my brothers and sister there, and
I could still be happy knowing that I was part of the effort.

And the last poem I will read is titled:

When I Die (Part II)
When I die, I want to be
A child in Heaven.
I want to be
A ten-year-old cherub.
I want to be
A hero in Heaven,
And a peacemaker,
Just like my goal on earth.
I will ask God if I can
Help the people in purgatory.
I will help them think,
About their life,
About their spirits,
About their future.
I will help them
Hear their own Heartsongs again,
So they can finally
See the face of God,
So soon.
When I die,
I want to be,
Just like I want to be
Here on earth.

Well, it’s hard to know anyone who has suffered more than Mattie. Sandy sent us almost daily reports about his bleeding, internally and from his fingers. I doubt that anyone in this great auditorium has ever suffered so much except his mother Jeni, and our Savior Jesus Christ, who is also here with us today. I always saw the dichotomy between Mattie as a child and with the characteristics and intelligence and awareness of an adult. Just as we see the dichotomy of Jesus Christ who was fully a human being at the same time as truly God.

I would say that my final assessment is that Mattie was an angel. Someone said that to him once and he said, “No, no.” He was very modest. But really in the New Testament language, angel and messenger are the same and there’s no doubt that Mattie was an angel of God, a messenger of God.

He was concerned about his legacy, wanting to have seven children and talking about his grandchildren, but Mattie’s legacy is forever because his Heartsongs will resonate in the hearts of people forever. I thank God that he is no longer suffering and that he’s with the Prince of Peace, getting big hugs in Heaven and maybe wearing a tuxedo.

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]]> https://www.funeralwise.com/celebration-of-life/eulogy/stepanek/feed/ 0 https://www.funeralwise.com/celebration-of-life/eulogy/chapman/ https://www.funeralwise.com/celebration-of-life/eulogy/chapman/#respond Thu, 23 Dec 2010 15:55:17 +0000 https://www.funeralwise.com/plan/eulogy/chapman/ Graham Chapman, co-author of the 'Parrot Sketch,' is no more.

He has ceased to be, bereft of life, he rests in peace, he has kicked the bucket, hopped the twig, bit the dust, snuffed it, breathed his last, and gone to meet the Great Head of Light Entertainment in the sky, and I guess that we're all thinking how sad it is that a man of such talent, such capability and kindness, of such intelligence should now be so suddenly spirited away at the age of only forty-eight, before he'd achieved many of the things of which he was capable, and before he'd had enough fun.

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]]> PGraham Chapman, co-author of the ‘Parrot Sketch,’ is no more.

He has ceased to be, bereft of life, he rests in peace, he has kicked the bucket, hopped the twig, bit the dust, snuffed it, breathed his last, and gone to meet the Great Head of Light Entertainment in the sky, and I guess that we’re all thinking how sad it is that a man of such talent, such capability and kindness, of such intelligence should now be so suddenly spirited away at the age of only forty-eight, before he’d achieved many of the things of which he was capable, and before he’d had enough fun.

Well, I feel that I should say, “Nonsense. Good riddance to him, the freeloading bastard! I hope he fries. ”

And the reason I think I should say this is, he would never forgive me if I didn’t, if I threw away this opportunity to shock you all on his behalf. Anything for him but mindless good taste. I could hear him whispering in my ear last night as I was writing this:

“Alright, Cleese, you’re very proud of being the first person to ever say ‘sh**’ on television. If this service is really for me, just for starters, I want you to be the first person ever at a British memorial service to say ‘f***’!”

You see, the trouble is, I can’t. If he were here with me now I would probably have the courage, because he always emboldened me. But the truth is, I lack his balls, his splendid defiance. And so I’ll have to content myself instead with saying ‘Betty Mardsen…’

But bolder and less inhibited spirits than me follow today. Jones and Idle, Gilliam and Palin. Heaven knows what the next hour will bring in Graham’s name. Trousers dropping, blasphemers on pogo sticks, spectacular displays of high-speed farting, synchronized incest. One of the four is planning to stuff a dead ocelot and a 1922 Remington typewriter up his own arse to the sound of the second movement of Elgar’s cello concerto. And that’s in the first half.

Because you see, Gray would have wanted it this way. Really. Anything for him but mindless good taste. And that’s what I’ll always remember about him—apart, of course, from his Olympian extravagance. He was the prince of bad taste. He loved to shock. In fact, Gray, more than anyone I knew, embodied and symbolised all that was most offensive and juvenile in Monty Python. And his delight in shocking people led him on to greater and greater feats. I like to think of him as the pioneering beacon that beat the path along which fainter spirits could follow.

Some memories. I remember writing the undertaker speech with him, and him suggesting the punch line, ‘All right, we’ll eat her, but if you feel bad about it afterwards, we’ll dig a grave and you can throw up into it.’ I remember discovering in 1969, when we wrote every day at the flat where Connie Booth and I lived, that he’d recently discovered the game of printing four-letter words on neat little squares of paper, and then quietly placing them at strategic points around our flat, forcing Connie and me into frantic last minute paper chases whenever we were expecting important guests.

I remember him at BBC parties crawling around on all fours, rubbing himself affectionately against the legs of gray-suited executives, and delicately nibbling the more appetizing female calves. Mrs. Eric Morecambe remembers that too.

I remember his being invited to speak at the Oxford union, and entering the chamber dressed as a carrot—a full length orange tapering costume with a large, bright green sprig as a hat—-and then, when his turn came to speak, refusing to do so. He just stood there, literally speechless, for twenty minutes, smiling beatifically. The only time in world history that a totally silent man has succeeded in inciting a riot.

I remember Graham receiving a Sun newspaper TV award from Reggie Maudling. Who else! And taking the trophy falling to the ground and crawling all the way back to his table, screaming loudly, as loudly as he could. And if you remember Gray, that was very loud indeed.

It is magnificent, isn’t it? You see, the thing about shock… is not that it upsets some people, I think; I think that it gives others a momentary joy of liberation, as we realised in that instant that the social rules that constrict our lives so terribly are not actually very important.

Well, Gray can’t do that for us anymore. He’s gone. He is an ex-Chapman. All we have of him now is our memories. But it will be some time before they fade.

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]]> https://www.funeralwise.com/celebration-of-life/eulogy/chapman/feed/ 0 https://www.funeralwise.com/celebration-of-life/eulogy/irwin/ https://www.funeralwise.com/celebration-of-life/eulogy/irwin/#respond Thu, 23 Dec 2010 15:46:42 +0000 https://www.funeralwise.com/plan/eulogy/irwin/ More on Eulogies Choosing a Eulogy Theme Writing a Heartfelt Eulogy How to Organize a Eulogy

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]]> Good morning everybody. Firstly, to Terri and all of Steve’s family, from my family to yours, our deepest sympathies and condolences. I think this memorial should be a joyful one, and not mournful one. We, after all, have to keep in mind who we are here to celebrate, and what he would have preferred. I hope somebody will speak today of the specifics of what Steve achieved as a conservationist, but all I can do today is talk directly to my friend, my mate, Steven.

Your passing has suspended reality for all of us. It was way too soon, and completely unfair on all accounts. I know as humble as you always were, that you would still be pleased to know that the world sends its love and that people all over this planet have been grieving. We’ve all lost a friend, we’ve lost a champion, and we’re gonna take some time adjust to that.

I’m in New York, mate – the big city – and you have been headline news on CNN for a week. There are not many Zoo keepers who would command that attention, mate. And all that means is that you got your message across. You got the word out there. And you were heard. And you will be remembered.

See also Steve Irwin’s Eulogy, presented by his daughter, Bindi Irwin

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]]> https://www.funeralwise.com/celebration-of-life/eulogy/irwin/feed/ 0 https://www.funeralwise.com/celebration-of-life/eulogy/bono/ https://www.funeralwise.com/celebration-of-life/eulogy/bono/#respond Thu, 23 Dec 2010 15:33:50 +0000 https://www.funeralwise.com/plan/eulogy/bono/ Please excuse my papers, but I've been writing this stupid eulogy for the last 48 hours. And, of course, I know that this would make Sonny really happy. It's like Den said: "He got the last laugh."

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]]> Please excuse my papers, but I’ve been writing this stupid eulogy for the last 48 hours. And, of course, I know that this would make Sonny really happy. It’s like Den said: “He got the last laugh.”

So because I’ve had to write some of it down doesn’t mean that I’m unprepared. It just means that I’m over prepared in that this is probably the most important thing I’ve ever done in my life. Don’t pay any attention [weeping]. This is probably going to happen from time to time. And I also know that he is some place loving this Also, I have to wear the glasses that I made so much fun of him. I called him Mr. Magoo. I said, “You know, you’ve got to get some better glasses. You know, I don’t care if you’re Republican or not, you’ve got to look cooler than this.” So now I have to wear the glasses that I make fun of him for saying. There are a couple of things — I want to tell some stories — but there are a couple of things I really want to get perfect for him. So I have to read.

Some people were under the misconception that Son was a short man, but he was heads and tails taller than anyone else. He could see above the tallest people. He had a vision of the future and just how he was going to build it. And his enthusiasm was so great that he just swept ever body along with him. Not that we knew where he was going, but we just wanted to be there (audience laughs). He was also successful at anything he ever tried. Not the first time he tried maybe, but he just kept going. If he really wanted something, he kept going until he achieved it. Once he told me that, when he was a teenager, he got his nose broken six times because he used to get into fights with guys that were much bigger than him. And he said that they would just be beating the crap out of him and would just be keep going back and going back and going back. I said, “Well, why?” And he said, “Because eventually I would just wear them down.” (audience laughs). And if you know him, we all got worn down.

Some people thought that Son wasn’t very bright, but he was smart enough to take an introverted 16-year-old girl and a scrappy little Italian guy with a bad voice and turn them into the most successful and beloved couple of this generation. And some people thought that Son wasn’t to be taken seriously because he allowed himself to be the butt of the jokes on the Sonny and Cher show. What people don’t realize is that he created Sonny and Cher. And he knew what was right for us, you know? He just always knew the right thing. And he wanted to make people laugh so much that he had the confidence to be the butt of the joke because he created the joke.

When I was 16-years-old, I met Sonny — Salvatore Philip Bono. And the first time I ever saw him, he walked in this room. And I had never seen anything like him before in my life. Because he was Sonny way before we were Sonny and Cher. He had this thing about him. He walked into this room, and I swear to God I saw him and like everybody else in this room was just washed away in this soft focus filter — kind of like when Maria saw Tony at the dance. And I looked at him, and he had like this weird hair-do between Caesar and Napoleon. As a matter of fact, one of the first things that he ever told me was that he was a descendent of Napoleon, and that his father had shortened the name of Bonaparte to Bono when he came to this country. But that he didn’t want to make too big a deal out of this. Now you have to realize, at this time, he was talking to a girl who thought that Mount Rushmore was a natural phenomenon. So we were definitely a marriage made in heaven.

I lied to him about how old I was. I’ve told this story, but somehow it always keeps coming back. I told him that I was 18, and of course I wasn’t. I was the most bizarre 16-year-old that you probably would come across. I had all kinds of phobias and all kinds of insecurities and all kinds of energies that just couldn’t be harnessed. Except Son saw something. And I didn’t have a place to stay and he said, “You know, you can come and live with me because I have twin beds and really I don’t find you attractive.” I didn’t really know how to take it, but I was really glad to have a place to stay.

And when people would call or come over and say, “Who’s that girl?” “Oh, that’s just Cher.” We spent this whole time together and I was just Cher. I was this kid and he kind of took care of me. I told my mom I was living with a stewardess. And every time that my mom would call, I always said, “Mom, call me before you come over.” Every time my mom would call, I’d grab all of Sonny’s clothes and run down the street and throw all his clothes into my girlfriend’s living room window. And I lost most of his clothes that year. One time he came into the house and he had his jockey shorts in his hand and he said, “Cher, you’ve just got to stop doing this. I found these on the street.”

So nothing happened with us romantically until my mom made me move out. When I was packing my things, we both just looked at each other and we started crying and I didn’t even know why. And then I just realized once I was there that I just missed him so much — I was so used to him being a part of my life. And I also had to tell him at that time that I wasn’t 18. That I was 17, but I was about to turn 18. And when we were crying — he actually cried too — I said, “Well, I’m not 17 about to turn 18. I’m 16 about to turn 17, but I can’t go through the rest of my life without you. So if my mother threatens to put you in jail, could you just do it anyway.” So my mother kept threatening him all that year. But then I turned 18 and everything was all right.

I want to close, but I wanted to tell Mary and Chesare and Chianna how proud I am of what he made himself after we were separated and his accomplishments. And I know that a person just doesn’t decide to become a Congressman in the middle of their life and then be one.
But it’s just so typical of Sonny to do something so crazy like that. And also it puts my mind at peace to know that in the end of his days that he had such a wonderful family life. And I know how much he loved Mary and Chesare and Chianna. And I know how much they loved him. And also I know how much he loved his friends. He was the greatest friend. If you’d seen our house for the last five days — Mary’s house for the last five days — we can’t get rid of everybody. Everybody’s just there, you know. And it’s the way you would have wanted it. He would have been in the middle cooking — not eating, just tasting. And making everybody else eat.

So the last thing I want to say is, when I was young, there was this section in the Reader’s Digest. It was called “The Most Unforgettable Character I’ve Ever Met.” And for me that person is Sonny Bono. And no matter how long I live or who I meet in my life, that person will always be Sonny for me.”

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]]> https://www.funeralwise.com/celebration-of-life/eulogy/bono/feed/ 0 https://www.funeralwise.com/celebration-of-life/eulogy/nixon/ https://www.funeralwise.com/celebration-of-life/eulogy/nixon/#respond Thu, 23 Dec 2010 14:18:49 +0000 https://www.funeralwise.com/plan/eulogy/nixon/ President Nixon opened his memoirs with a simple sentence: "I was born in a house my father built." Today we can look back at this little house and still imagine a young boy sitting by the window of the attic he shared with his three brothers, looking out to a world he could then himself only imagine. From those humble roots, as from so many humble beginnings in this country, grew the force of a driving dream.

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]]> President Nixon opened his memoirs with a simple sentence: “I was born in a house my father built.” Today we can look back at this little house and still imagine a young boy sitting by the window of the attic he shared with his three brothers, looking out to a world he could then himself only imagine. From those humble roots, as from so many humble beginnings in this country, grew the force of a driving dream. A dream that led to the remarkable journey that ends here today, where it all began beside the same tiny home, mail-ordered from back East, near this towering pepper tree, which back then was a mere seedling.

President Nixon’s journey across the American landscapes mirrored that of his entire nation in this remarkable century. His life was bound up with the striving of our whole people, with our crises and our triumphs.

When he became President, he took on challenges here at home on matters from cancer research to environmental protection, putting the power of the Federal Government where Republicans and Democrats had neglected to put it in the past, and in foreign policy. He came to the Presidency at a time in our history when Americans were tempted to say we had had enough of the world. Instead, he knew we had to reach out to old friends and old enemies alike. He would not allow America to quit the world.

Remarkably, he wrote nine of his ten books after he left the Presidency, working his way back into the arena he so loved by writing and thinking and engaging us in his dialogue. For the past year, even in the final weeks of his life, he gave me his wise counsel, especially with regard to Russia. One thing in particular left a profound impression on me. Though this man was in his ninth decade, he had an incredibly sharp and vigorous and rigorous mind. As a public man, he always seemed to believe the greatest sin was remaining passive in the face of challenges, and he never stopped living by that creed. He gave of himself with intelligence and energy and devotion to duty, and his entire country owes him a debt of gratitude for that service.

Oh, yes, he knew great controversy amid defeat as well as victory. He made mistakes, and they, like his accomplishments, are a part of his life and record. But the enduring lesson of Richard Nixon is that he never gave up being part of the action and passion of his times. He said many times that unless a person has a goal, a new mountain to climb, his spirit will die. Well, based on our last phone conversation and the letter he wrote me just a month ago, I can say that his spirit was very much alive to the very end.

That is a great tribute to him, to his wonderful wife, Pat, to his children and to his grandchildren, whose love he so depended on and whose love he returned in full measure. Today is a day for his family, his friends, and his nation to remember President Nixon’s life in totality. To them, let us say: may the day of judging President Nixon on anything less than his entire life and career come to a close.

May we heed his call to maintain the will and the wisdom to build on America’s greatest gift, its freedom, and to lead a world full of difficulty to the just and lasting peace he dreamed of.

As it is written in the words of a hymn I heard in my church last Sunday, “Grant that I may realize that the trifling of life creates differences, but that in the higher things we are all one.” In the twilight of his life, President Nixon knew that lesson well. It is, I feel, certainly a fate he would want us all to keep.

And so, on behalf of all four former Presidents who are here – President Ford, President Carter, President Reagan, President Bush – and on behalf of a grateful nation, we bid farewell to Richard Milhous Nixon.

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]]> https://www.funeralwise.com/celebration-of-life/eulogy/nixon/feed/ 0 https://www.funeralwise.com/celebration-of-life/eulogy/famous-overview/ https://www.funeralwise.com/celebration-of-life/eulogy/famous-overview/#respond Thu, 23 Dec 2010 12:16:22 +0000 https://www.funeralwise.com/plan/eulogy/famous_overview/ U.S. Leaders

President John F. Kennedy's Funeral Eulogy by Senator Jacob Javits at a Senate Memorial Service
President Ronald Reagan's Eulogy presented by President Bush
President Gerald R. Ford's Eulogy presented by Tom Brokaw
Edward (Ted) Kennedy's Eulogy presented by President Obama

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]]> Studying famous eulogies can teach us a great deal about what goes into telling the story of someone’s life. They also illustrate that grief does not spare anyone. Regardless of whether you are a world leader, a sports legend, or an everyday hero, we all leave behind loved ones who grieve for us when we are gone. It is up to our loved ones to tell our story. Reading what others have said about luminaries can inspire us in how we think about the process of writing a eulogy and what type of information to share about the deceased.

From the touching words of an ex-spouse, such those Cher shared about Sonny Bono, to the wry humor famously used by John Cleese about his former comedy partner Graham Chapman, famous eulogies give us a window into the world of the deceased and the heartbreak of their loved ones.

While we may never hope to craft words as elegantly as Maya Angelou or as colorful as Craig Ferguson, we can write a eulogy that honors the deceased and expresses your heartfelt emotions. You need not worry that the person you are eulogizing did not change the world as someone such as Rosa Parks did. Your loved one was important to those in his or her world and that is all that is important. We all make an impact on those around us and every life is worth remembering.

Famous Eulogies: U.S. Leaders

President John F. Kennedy’s Funeral Eulogy by Senator Jacob Javits at a Senate Memorial Service
President Ronald Reagan’s Eulogy presented by President Bush
President Ronald Reagan’s Eulogy presented by Margaret Thatcher
President Gerald R. Ford’s Eulogy presented by Tom Brokaw
Edward (Ted) Kennedy’s Eulogy presented by President Obama
Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King’s Funeral Eulogy by Robert F. Kennedy
Rosa Parks’ Eulogy presented by Oprah Winfrey
Memorial Speech for the Columbia Astronauts by President George W. Bush
Coretta Scott King’s Eulogy presented by Maya Angelou
President Richard Nixon’s Eulogy presented by president Bill Clinton
Robert F. Kennedy’s Eulogy presented by Sen Edward M. Kennedy
John F. Kennedy Jr. and Carolyn Bessette’s Eulogy presented by Sen Edward Kennedy
Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis’s Eulogy presented by Ted Kennedy

Famous Eulogies: Journalists

Tim Russert Eulogy presented by his son, Luke Russert

Famous Eulogies: Religious Leaders

Father Mychal Judge’s Eulogy presented by Father Micahel Duffy

Famous Eulogies: Business Leaders

Steve Jobs, Apple Computer Eulogy presented by his sister, Mona Simpson

Famous Eulogies: World Leaders

Mahatma Mohandas Gandhi’s Funeral Eulogy by Jawaharlal Nehru
Diana Spencer, Princess of Wales’ Eulogy presented by her brother Charles Spencer, 9th Earl Spencer
Sir Edmund Hillary’s Eulogy presented by Helen Clark, New Zealand Prime Minister
Queen Elizabeth’s Eulogy by The Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr. George Carey

Famous Eulogies: Entertainment and Sports Leaders

Sonny Bono’s Eulogy presented by Cher
Graham Chapman’s Eulogy presented by John Cleese
Jim Henson’s Eulogy presented by Frank Oz
Robert Ferguson’s Eulogy presented by Craig Ferguson
George Harrison’s Eulogy presented by Eric Idle
Steve Irwin’s Eulogy presented by Russell Crowe
Steve Irwin’s Eulogy presented by his daughter, Bindi Irwin
Stanley Kubrick’s Funeral Eulogy by Edward Champion
Mickey Mantle’s Eulogy presented by Bob Costas
Marilyn Monroe’s Eulogy presented by Lee Strasberg
Mattie Stepanek’s Eulogy presented by President Jimmy Carter

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]]> https://www.funeralwise.com/celebration-of-life/eulogy/famous-overview/feed/ 0 https://www.funeralwise.com/celebration-of-life/eulogy/life/ https://www.funeralwise.com/celebration-of-life/eulogy/life/#respond Wed, 22 Dec 2010 13:13:59 +0000 https://www.funeralwise.com/plan/eulogy/life/ Delivering a eulogy can be very challenging. In a time of grief, it is difficult to know what to say and how to say it. It is important to talk about the life of the one who died, but it is impossible to talk about the deceased’s life from infancy to death in a four to seven minute speech. Therefore, you probably should not try to fit a complete lifetime in the eulogy. However, you can still reveal a complete life.

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]]> Delivering a eulogy can be very challenging. In a time of grief, it is difficult to know what to say and how to say it. It is important to talk about the life of the one who died, but it is impossible to talk about the deceased’s life from infancy to death in a four to seven minute speech. Therefore, you probably should not try to fit a complete lifetime in the eulogy. However, you can still reveal a complete life.

The loved one being eulogized is not a complete person because he or she has completed a life, but because the departed was a multi-faceted person while living. Keeping the following illustrations in mind will help you honor the richness of a life well-lived.

• Family – what kind of family person was the deceased? Parts of this illustration include the departed being a spouse, parent, grandparent, son or daughter, and sibling. Think of examples and anecdotes that will help to show this side of his or her life. For instance, one man was remembered as being a good father when his son recalled him driving all night after working overtime to be at his college graduation.
• Friend – What kind of friendship qualities did the eulogized have? Was she a good listener? Was he always offering a helping hand?
• Professional – how did the deceased value his or her work life? You can discuss work ethic, for example.
• Community – What kind of neighbor was the departed? Did he or she volunteer or give generously to charity? One woman was remembered by how she often provided lunch for the neighborhood kids in the summertime and always gave them a safe place to go.
• Other Unique Qualities – Was the deceased a master carpenter? Was she a fantastic cook? Some attributes here could cover the departed being a good artist, musician, writer, or even a philosopher.

Be sure to draw on the memories of those that can share a unique point of view. A daughter would be a good source for parent/child memories, for example.

Remember, the eulogy needs to be uplifting, but honest. If the deceased was an absent parent, don’t go on and on about how great he or she was with the kids. Concentrating on the good points of the various aspects of the deceased’s life will paint a rich and complete picture of the deceased. This type of approach will also make for a memorable, well-received eulogy.

Return to Writing Eulogies Summary

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