Catherine Durkin Robinson is the owner of Anitya Doula Services. She completed the End-of-Life Doula Program at the University of Vermont and is a member of the National End of Life Doula Alliance (NEDA).

Focus on LGBTQ Funeral Planning

Death is known as the great equalizer, but equality isn’t always afforded to the dead. Many end-of-life professionals still discriminate against members of the LGBTQ+ community. That’s why it’s important, especially if you identify as a gay, trans, queer, or non-binary individual, to know your rights while alive to protect yourself after death.

Your End-of-Life Wishes

Too many people wait until a serious diagnosis to get their affairs in order. It can be overwhelming and emotional. The best time to think about and plan for end-of-life is right now, before a terminal illness, while you’re thinking clearly and rationally.

What comes first? Picking the best advocate when you can no longer speak for yourself.

A key point in your LGBTQ funeral planning is choosing carefully when considering whom to put in charge of your affairs. Whether your “next of kin” is empowered to make decisions when you’re dead or still alive but can no longer communicate, you want someone you can trust.

If your spouse is supportive, that person will be in charge.  Otherwise, think carefully. Who in your life accepts your identity or sexuality? That’s the person who can help protect your wishes.

Establish an Advance Directive outlining your end-of-life wishes. Check your state’s requirements or contact an estate attorney to help create this document. Make sure your doctor, lawyer, and loved ones get a copy.

You can assign someone as a Durable Power of Attorney, a Health Care Proxy, and/or a Funeral Agent. Ideally, this person or persons will act according to your wishes.

Pre-Planning Funerals

Call at least three funeral homes, either where you live or where you want your body to go, and talk to them about their diversity and inclusion policies. Look specifically for established businesses either owned and operated by members or allies of the LGBTQ+ community.

Pre-planning your funeral or memorial service has several benefits that include:

• Establishing your wishes.
• Making sure they’re respected and followed.
• Paying for everything ahead of time.
• Eliminating the emotional burden on your loved ones who won’t need to go through the trouble of finding an inclusive funeral director because you’ve done that yourself.
• Also, easing financial burdens on next-of-kin. 

Your Obituary

While it may not seem a critical part of LGBTQ funeral planning, you should consider how you’d like your obituary to be written. It will be the formal announcement of your death and life that people read on websites, newspapers, and social media.

What do you want it to say?

You can always write it yourself and leave instructions for the funeral director to publish it after you die. Or perhaps you’d like to ask a professional writer, doula, lawyer, or trusted friend to write one instead. Talk to them about your name, pronouns, partners, and other ways to write your obituary properly.

Don’t leave it up to someone else to take care of this. If your family doesn’t accept your identity, you must take initiative to control the narrative and get your obituary written in a way that honors you. This includes anything you might want to keep private.

Plans for Your Body

Think about how you’d like your body washed and dressed after death. Discuss this with the funeral director and care team, so everyone understands how to proceed. You can also write these instructions in your will, pre-planning documents, and advance directives.

Do you want your body or cremains buried in a cemetery?

Many privately-owned cemeteries allow people to customize their grave markers. You don’t have to use your legal name or any other information that doesn’t correctly identify you. However, official documents in the cemetery’s office will include the death certificate, which will have your legal name.

Most cemeteries accept death certificates with different names than the marker. However, if you have time to legally change your name before death, please do so. It lessens the chance of problems in the future if all documents contain the same name.

If you don’t have time to legally change your name before death, make sure you find a cemetery that allows the marker to be customized. Also, ask about any marker restrictions that include colors, sizes, or shapes. You want to be laid to rest in a place that honors all of your wishes. 

What About National Cemeteries?

Thanks to the work of countless activists, laws have been passed to ensure that LGBTQ+ veterans are eligible to be buried in military or national cemeteries. However, you will need to secure the services of a funeral director to arrange these benefits. 

Depending on where you want to be buried, you may need to provide documentation about any name change and the proper discharge paperwork. If you are married, your spousal benefits are the same as any married couple. This includes life insurance, flag presentation, full military honors, and more.

X Gender Marker

If you have the “X” gender marker on an updated birth certificate, find out if your state recognizes it. This is especially important if you changed your birth certificate in a previous state of residence that recognized it, then moved somewhere that doesn’t.  

Contact your family attorney to avoid complications with any insurance claims or legal paperwork.

Put Everything in Writing

Many different kinds of families disagree with each other about end-of-life care and funeral plans. This is especially true with given or chosen families in the LGBTQ community. They might not support or even be aware of their loved one’s sexual orientation, gender identity, name, etc.

When making plans for this stage of life, and death, be open and honest with loved ones about what you want. These types of tender talks prevent arguments and disagreements when you’re gone.

Most importantly, create written legal documents with all of this information.

When someone dies, grieving loved ones might forget or feel too overcome with emotion to think rationally. Legally binding documents with clear instructions help everyone get on the same page. Include your end-of-life care plan, funeral decisions, and other specific wishes.

To learn more about funeral planning, visit our Wise Planning Page. Our Wise Planning System has various tools that can help you with whatever kind of funeral planning you need, whether it is LGBTQ funeral planning or planning for other types of communities.

Catherine Durkin Robinson was recently featured in an article in the Chicago Tribute. Click here to read the story.

The post Funeral Planning in the LGBTQ+ Community appeared first on Funeralwise.

Why Plan Ahead for Your Funeral?

The goal of preplanning your funeral is to help ease the burdens that will fall on your family, your loved ones, those you will someday leave behind. After a death, the surviving family is faced with 3 primary burdens – emotional burdens, obviously, but also financial and legal burdens. The purpose of planning ahead is to prepare them to deal with these burdens. It’s a caring and thoughtful thing to do for the people you care about the most.

Important: Do You Need to Make Funeral Arrangements Now? If you need to make arrangements for someone who has recently died or for whom death is imminent, visit our funeral arrangements page for step-by-step guidance.

Video: See the Quick Way to Start Your Funeral Planning

Funeral Planning: Step-By-Step

1. Plan ahead. Planning ahead is the best thing you can do. Your plan doesn’t need to be complicated. Even a simple plan will be helpful to your family. Start with the basics: Interment choices (i.e., burial, cremation, donation to medical science, burial at sea); and funeral service choices (i.e., a traditional funeral, memorial service, graveside service, no service).
2. Estimate the cost of your funeral. Change your choices, if necessary, to reduce the expected cost.
3. Share your funeral plan with your family so they know your wishes. Pick a trusted family member, friend or advisor to be primarily responsible for carrying out your wishes. Start with your basic plan and then keep them updated as you add details over time.
4. Specify the details of your funeral ceremonies. This is optional if you prefer not to go into the details. But keep in mind that it will be very helpful to those who will be making the final arrangements for your funeral. A Celebrant can help you plan the funeral ceremonies.
5. Make financial arrangements to pay for your funeral. Figure out if you will leave behind enough money to cover the funeral cost and other final expenses. Consider funeral insurance, trusting, pre-purchasing cemetery space, and a pre-need contract for funeral services.
6. Organize and document your key personal information. This will be essential for wrapping up your affairs and will be helpful to those who will be delivering eulogies and writing your obituary. Also, think about what you might want to leave behind for genealogy purposes. Future generations in your family will appreciate all of this information.

Funeral Planning with our Wise Planning Solutions

Our Wise Planning System is a comprehensive do-it-yourself methodology that helps you plan your funeral the right way–YOUR WAY. Consisting of a set of easy-to-use online tools, the system organizes the planning process and guides you along the way. It’s a proven method that puts you in control of your funeral plans and allows you to easily create, maintain and share your funeral plans.

To learn more, see our Wise Planning Solutions Comparison Chart.

The Quick Plan is the first step of our Wise Planning Solutions and is a great way to jump-start your funeral planning. Once you have created a Quick Plan, be sure to save it. Once you do, you’ll be able to add additional details. The planning tool will also show you how much adding features and products adds to the cost of the funeral.

Start My Quick Plan

Prefer to work on paper? For those who prefer to put their funeral plans on paper, our Funeral Planning Form is the perfect place to start. This handy funeral planning checklist will help you compile all the information you need in one convenient location.

Funeral Planning Tips and Advice

• When to Plan Ahead: The best time to plan ahead for a funeral is any time except at the time of the funeral. After all, you wouldn’t try to plan a wedding in just a few days. A funeral is the ultimate celebration of your life. Planning ahead gives you the opportunity to decide what you want, how you want it, and when you want it. Best of all, you aren’t locked in. If you change your mind, just update your plan. Check out our article on Funeral Preplanning to learn more about how to get started.
• Funding Pre-planned Funerals: Deciding whether or not to fund your pre-planned funeral in advance can be confusing. There are a lot of good reasons to consider pre-funding your funeral, and you’ll rest easy knowing the money is there when it’s needed. Even better, the burden will be taken off those you leave behind, and you can lock in prices.
• Changing Funeral Contracts: Be sure to carefully check ALL the terms of your before you sign it. Some contracts allow for changes down the road while others do not.
• Prepaying Considerations: Like just about everything in life, there are advantages and disadvantages to prepaying for funeral goods and services. Whether or not it’s right for you will depend on your circumstances. You want to be certain that the arrangement you enter into will suit your needs down the road. Carefully read overall terms and conditions, including the fine print.
• Planning Ceremony Details: For detailed planning of a funeral or memorial service, you’ll find excellent advice in Funeral Ceremonies, and tips for writing Eulogies and Obituaries.
• Green Pre-Planning: Green burial is a relatively new option but it is becoming increasingly more popular. Pre-planning is the perfect time to investigate your options. Visit our <a href=”https://www.funeralwise.com//funeral-planning/green-burial/”Green Pre-Planning and Green burial sections so that you can be sure to explore all the options available to you.
• Your Family and Grief. Your funeral isn’t just about you. It is vitally important for your family. They will want to give you a meaningful tribute. A funeral for a loved one is an important part of the healing process. It’s a time for your family to remember, say goodbye, and start a new stage of life.

Don’t Leave Your Loved Ones Unprepared

It’s not easy to think about end-of-life. Nobody wants to plan a funeral. But face it, we all have to do it at some point. Planning ahead is a caring thing to do for your family. You are giving them the peace of mind that comes with knowing they will be able to celebrate your life and honor your wishes.

Take this Free 60-second survey to find out how prepared you are and what you more you need to do.

Try the Survey

How To Pay Funeral Costs

There are many elements that go into the cost of a funeral. From the services provided by the funeral director to the casket to the flowers, costs continue to rise. Today, a traditional funeral can easily cost more than $10,000. Leaving behind no mechanism to pay for these items can place a heavy financial burden on your loved ones. Remember, payment is due at the time of the funeral.

So how do you know how much to set aside and how to control the cost? The best way to manage your funeral costs is to do some advanced planning. Our Wise Protection Plan is a one-of-a-kind plan that includes the free personal advice or a Preplanning Specialist, essential legal documents for free, and an affordable prepaid funeral plan.

Our section on Funeral Costs will help you understand just what goes into the cost of a funeral and some of the financial and legal issues you need to consider.

The Types of Funerals People are Choosing

Thousands of people have used our free online planning tools where we guide you step-by-step in making a few key choices about the kind of funeral you want as well as what that type of funeral usually costs. Below is a sample of the funeral plans people are making so you can see you have lots of options to choose from.

Last updated: July 24, 2022

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When someone dies, we want the chance to say goodbye, honor their memory, and look for meaning in the death. Throughout history, we have turned to serve these purposes. And, without a doubt, holding a ceremony to memorialize someone we have lost holds an important place in the process of handling grief.

While the need to mourn hasn’t changed, the ceremonies we use to help us through the process has. For example, as the use of cremation has increased, holding a memorial service rather than a traditional funeral has become popular. The difference is that the body is present during a funeral, while at a memorial service, it is not. Memorial services also provide the flexibility our diverse and more mobile society requires since they are not tied to a specific time or place.

But for many people, traditional funeral rituals have become too impersonal. And so we have seen the rise of “The Celebration of Life.”

WHAT IS A CELEBRATION OF LIFE?

A Celebration of Life is a ceremony held either in concert with a traditional funeral or memorial service or instead of a traditional service as a stand-alone event.

What makes a Celebration of Life different is the level of personalization and tone. A Celebration of Life is not a somber affair. Instead, we find lots of laughter and storytelling. The focus is not on the person’s death but on the joy that the person brought to others. 

HOW DO YOU PLAN A CELEBRATION OF LIFE?

Planning a Celebration of Life is much like planning any other gathering commemorating a life event. You’ll need to decide on the specifics (time, place, etc.), how you will get the word out and what elements you would like to incorporate. If your situation doesn’t offer the time or resources to undertake such an effort, you can take advantage of the services provided by a Celebrant.

What is a Celebrant? Celebrants are professionals who work with families to design a service that is customized to their cultural, religious, and spiritual needs. They are trained to help arrange both secular and non-secular celebrations. Celebrant services are not limited to Celebrations of Life. They often work with people to plan traditional funerals or memorial services as well. Many celebrants are qualified to take on the role of officiant as well as help to plan the service. Learn more about using celebrants.

You do not have to hold your Celebration of Life in a funeral home. It doesn’t have to be religious or conform to any particular rules or guidelines. Your celebration can be as unique as the person you are honoring. It is entirely up to you to decide what is suitable for your ceremony. You are free to include only those components that your loved one would approve of or that you and your family are comfortable with.

Planning a ceremony can seem overwhelming. Just take it step-by-step. Don’t hesitate to ask for help. You will create an event that is the perfect final send-off to celebrate an extraordinary life in no time at all.

CREATING A MEANINGFUL CEREMONY

Is there such a thing as a “good” funeral? We believe that a good funeral is a meaningful one. A life is commemorated, friends express their condolences, and the grieving family is comforted. The ceremony can take many forms; there is no right or wrong way to do it. There can be music and prayers, tears and laughter. When a “good funeral” is over, there is a general feeling that it was a fitting send-off.

Funerals and Society

Every culture throughout history has marked death with a ritual or ceremony. Funerals play an important role in helping family and friends cope with loss, heal the pain, and understand death.

However, because our society has become fast-paced, youth-focused, and death-denying, the traditional funeral has lost meaning for some. Many experts are concerned that contemporary, simple funerals that do not incorporate meaningful ceremonies fail to provide the comfort loved ones can find in more traditional ceremonies. Successfully planning a meaningful service does not require a religious affiliation or a huge budget. It takes a thoughtful awareness of the practical requirements and emotional needs. 

The Needs of the Mourning

“Rich in history and rife with symbolism, the funeral ceremony helps us acknowledge the reality of the death, gives testimony to the life of the deceased, encourages the expression of grief in a way consistent with the culture’s values, provides support to mourners, allows for the embracing of faith and beliefs about life and death, and offers continuity and hope for the living.”

Dr. Alan Wolfelt, noted author, educator, and practicing clinical thanatologist.

According to Dr. Wolfelt, a funeral helps the bereaved meet six basic needs of mourning. Bereaved people who meet these needs are most often able to reconcile their grief and go on to find continued meaning in life and living.

1. Acknowledge the reality of the death.
   Planning and attending meaningful funeral ceremonies helps us move past the intellectual understanding of death to acknowledge the reality that the person has died.
2. Move toward the pain of the loss.
   The funeral helps us express and embrace the pain of our grief, enabling us to begin to heal.
3. Remember the person who died.
   A meaningful funeral enables us to share memories of the person who died. This initiates a shift in our relationship with the deceased from one based on physical presence to one based on memories.
4. Develop a new self-identity.
   The loss of a loved one often changes our role. We may no longer be a husband, daughter, or parent except in memory. The funeral serves as a “rite of passage” that begins the process of developing a new self-identity for the bereaved.
5. Search for meaning.
   A funeral provides an opportunity to explore the meaning of life and death. This may help to reinforce our faith and provide comfort. It may also allow us to confront our own mortality.
6. Receive ongoing support from others.
   Funerals serve as a central gathering place for mourners. Our attendance at a funeral demonstrates support for the bereaved and provides a venue for them to accept support in their grief.

The post Creating a Celebration of Life appeared first on Funeralwise.

We still read obituaries for the same reasons we always have—to learn more about others who passed our way, how they lived their lives, and who they left behind. The trouble is, for most people, the traditional obituary doesn’t provide much insight into the real essence of the person being memorialized. Unless the subject is famous or of high standing in the community, the obituary is normally just a laundry list of facts and figures—dates, family members, job history. But things are changing. More and more we see people penning their own life stories or enlisting the help of a professional obituary writer so that the black and white memorial that is published upon their death is more than just a set of dry statistics.

In reality, the self-written obituary is not really all that new. It’s just getting a lot of attention. The trend has been in the media for at least the last ten years. What is new is how quickly some of the more notable stories are going viral.

In March, the self-penned obituary of Emily Phillips, a Florida grandmother who succumbed to cancer, hit the Internet and spread like wildfire. It’s easy to see why. Her story offers a blend of wit, humor, and sentimentality that would likely never have been told if left to conventional obituary publication channels.

It could be argued that what we call a self-written obituary is an evolving art form that is entirely separate from what we normally think of as an obituary. Traditional obituaries, written by newspaper staff, follow a set of guidelines for which the New York Times Obituary Formula is the gold standard. For the everyday person, these cost money to publish. They are priced by the line with each line limited to a certain number of characters. Most estimates range from $300-600 dollars for a typical write-up. Funeral homes will place the story or you can do it yourself. Somewhere along the line, the obituary will end up on an online memorial site such as Legacy.com and it will no doubt cost you money.

But what about these widely distributed self-penned obituaries? These stories may or may not wind up in your local newspaper. More than likely, they are placed on social media sites or blogs by a loved one and then are discovered by the world. To be sure, the most popular of these don’t follow the time-honored “who, what, when, where, why”. A good example is the self-penned obituary of the actor James Rebhorn which was published after his death in March 2014. Rebhorn’s version is a touching love letter to his family in which his success in his profession is virtually a footnote. This is in stark contrast to the New York Times version which justifiably covers the ground regarding the quality and breadth of Mr. Rebhorn’s acting career. His family is mentioned only in the context of being his survivors.

It’s hard to say just how quickly the trend toward writing your own obituary is growing. Certainly, there is plenty of anecdotal evidence pointing to the growth. Katharine Lowrie, a professional obituary writer recently commented to us on her own experience. “I do get more calls for that than I did in the beginning. I know more people are doing it. I just can’t give you any statistics.” Add to that the growing number of online tutorials on how to get started, classes being offered, and do-it-yourself kits on the market and you have a pretty good argument that this is more of a movement than a trend.

Many who have been following growth in the phenomena attribute the popularity to Baby Boomer’s desire to control the narrative–hence the rise of the term “selfie obituary.” But tossing it off as just a bit of self-serving indulgence doesn’t seem fair. While this may be a part of it, we also have to consider the availability of technology, increased emphasis on funeral and end-of-life planning, and other factors such as the rise in hospice care with its emphasis on building one’s legacy (Philly.com). No doubt, it’s a combination of all these factors and more.

Whether or not you want to write your own obituary is a very personal decision. And to be sure, it’s not nearly as easy as it sounds. If it were simple then there would be no need for the cottage industry that is springing up to support it. One thing we can probably all agree on though is that thanks to the rise of the “selfie obituary” we are able to read about some very interesting people and share some of their most intimate thoughts. Many of these stories are filled with humor and nearly all are full of love. It doesn’t really matter what has driven the person to write it, the self-penned obituary leaves behind a record of a life that that was extraordinary. In the words of Katharine Lowrie, “Every life has a great story. It doesn’t matter who you are.”

>>Related: My Name is Katharine Lowrie and I Talk to Dead People

The self-penned obituary:

• Emily Fisher Phillips: 3/31/2015 – Mother, teacher.
• Aaron Joseph Purmort: 11/29/2014 – Spiderman.
• Gloria Louise (Aertker) Fralish: 9/29/2014 – A life well lived.
• Margaret (Marge) Aitken: 8/18/2014 – Writer.
• Kevin J. McGroarty: 7/29/14 – A very clever ad man.
• James Rebhorn: 3/24/ 2014 – Actor.
• Walter Bruhl: 3/11/ 2014 – A very cool grandpa.
• Virginia Hicks: 10/2/2013 – One of a kind.
• Jane Catherine Lotter: 7/28/ 2013 – Writer.
• Val Patterson: 7/18/2012 – Man making a big confession.
• Elizabeth Sleasman: 4/16/2013 – A cautionary tale.
• Peter Worthington: 3/14/2013 – Toronto Sun Founding Editor.
• Malcolm Wells: 2009 – Renowned Architect.

The post The self-penned obituary: Is this labor of love a trend or a movement? appeared first on Funeralwise.

You will be asked to provide a lot of information and to discuss difficult topics–all at a time when you are grieving and emotional. Many people find that being prepared for the conference can greatly reduce the stress and confusion that can occur.

If you have never arranged a funeral before, knowing what information to bring with you can be difficult. Our Funeral Planning Checklist and Questionnaire can help you compile the needed information and make the meeting go much more smoothly. Once you have printed out your copy, just take it step-by-step. Bring a copy with you to the arrangement conference.

What to Expect During the Arrangement Conference

• A big part of the Arrangement Conference is transferring information to your funeral director. If the death certificate needs to be filed, the funeral director will ask for information such as the deceased’s social security number, birth and death dates, military status, place of death etc.
• A significant portion of the meeting will be used to discuss the services you would like for the deceased. Below is a list of the type of choices you will need to make:

• Burial Options: Will the deceased be buried or entombed? Will the deceased be cremated. If you choose cremation, what will you do with the remains? Would the deceased donate his or her body to science? Will the organs be donated? (Learn more about burial options.)
• Ceremony Options: Will you hold a traditional funeral with the casket present or would you prefer a memorial service? Where would you like the ceremony held? Should the deceased be embalmed? What type of music and readings would you prefer? Who will participate (clergy, pallbearers, speakers)? Will there be a procession? (Learn more about planning a ceremony)
• Visitation Options: How many visitations would you prefer? Will the casket be open or closed?
• Once you have decided on burial ceremony options, your funeral director will work with you to help you choose a casket or urn. Keep in mind that you are not required to buy these products from the funeral home.

• If the funeral director will prepare an obituary for you, they will gather the information they need during the arrangement conference. The type of information they will need includes the survivors you want to be mentioned, the history of the deceased, and other personal information. See our page on writing an obituary.
• Finally, one of the last remaining expectations of an arrangement conference is how to pay for the funeral. This can be one of the more stressful situations when a death occurs but there are options available to you to make this easier. If you have insurance policies, estate information, or if the funeral was pre-funded, make sure to bring any and all documentation with you to the funeral home. If you plan on paying in full, using a credit card, or financing the funeral, come prepared with your financial information on hand.

Dealing with Family While Planning a Funeral Service

As with any major event in life, unexpected problems or hurdles can arise. One of those hurdles can be your family dynamic. Does your family normally agree on everything? Most families do not. Discussing certain things with your family prior to the arrangements conference may help to alleviate some of the conflicts. Make sure it is clearly understood who is the primary decision-maker and try to include your family and consider that everyone has suffered a loss. Tension and stress tend to run high in an emotional situation such as death and taking a few minutes to have a calm discussion with your family will pay off in the long run.

What to Prepare for the Arrangement Conference

With the right information and a willingness to take the time to be prepared, a funeral arrangements conference can go smoothly and with less stress. Decisions will be much easier to make if you know what to expect and have given it some thought beforehand.

Here is a short checklist of items to remember:

• Deceased social security number and date of birth
• A photo for memorial cards and/or obituary if applicable
• Military discharge papers (DD-214) if applicable
• Clothing for the deceased
• Obituary information
• Insurance information
• Service times/details

Now that you are prepared, there is one last thing you should keep in mind when facing the possibility of needing the services of a funeral service provider. The funeral home has a legal responsibility to you as their client. Most funeral service professionals have your best interests at heart. In the rare case that you should find that things are not working well, you do have protections under the law. The Federal Trade Commission (FTC) enforces The Funeral Rule which requires all those in the funeral service industry to be upfront and honest about their pricing and packaging details. In essence, The Funeral Rule states that a provider must supply you with a written price list and written descriptions of all the goods and services that are available to you. This protects you from being blindsided or confused about what the funeral home offers.

Funeral Homes all have similar rules and regulations but each provider operates just a little differently. If you have questions about the specifics of your local funeral home, give them a call and asked to speak to a licensed funeral director. A reputable funeral provider will be willing to work with you to answer your questions and make sure that you are comfortable with your decisions.

The post Working with a Funeral Director: Arrangement Conferences appeared first on Funeralwise.