Funny Funeral Archives - Funeralwise

Buddhist Service Story

Ginny Sacramoni — Sat, 05 Jan 2019 22:34:42 +0000

I work at a mortuary and cemetery and had a Buddhist funeral and casket burial. they selected white-winged dove stationary (normally Christian) but that is what they wanted for their mom. In the arrangement, they decided they wanted to do a dove release at the graveside, but didn’t want to spend what we charge- so they made arrangements on their own. On the day of the service, I noticed a truck with its tailgate open and 3 cat carriers with pigeons in them- like a city park, grey speckled pigeons. It was very cold and sleeting. Once we lowered the casket the family released the “doves” by dumping open the cat carriers, but the pigeons just walked around because it was too cold to fly. The family told me they saved money because the doves don’t come back, I didn’t have the heart to tell them “that’s because those are pigeons, not doves!”. The birds died in the cold over the next few days, even after I called them and let them know the birds were not surviving. They said, “just let nature take its course.”. uh, ok…

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The Truth Comes Out….Loud and Clear!

Jennifer Lane — Mon, 08 Jul 2013 17:22:41 +0000

A funny thing happened at a graveside service one warm autumn afternoon. The preacher was at the gravesite, the pallbearers stood behind him, and the family was seated on folding chairs facing them. The preacher talked of the deceased’s good qualities, and indicated that his kindness and selfless Christianity made it more than likely that Johnny A. had passed through the pearly gates to his final, glorious reward.

Old “Pitts” D., whose wheelchair was faced away from the grave, couldn’t hear that the service had begun. Pitts had been hard-of-hearing for many years, and was accustomed to speaking very, very loudly. His gravel voice boomed out and overpowered the preacher’s kind words. Pitts literally yelled, “That son of a b—- didn’t have a good bone in his body, and he never was any damn good. I told that bastard I’d dance on his grave, and if I could get out of this damn wheelchair, I would! I don’t know much, but I know that bum is burning in hell!

I was the funeral director, but I couldn’t get to Pitts to shut him up in time. The damage had been done. The truth is, though, that everybody there (except the preacher, who had never seen Johnny in church in his life) knew that Pitts was right!

Anonymous

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Preacher Gets Carried Away

Jennifer Lane — Wed, 22 May 2013 17:18:48 +0000

I have been a funeral director for many years. I think that one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen at a funeral involved a beautifully dressed and very well-spoken African American preacher who was sermonizing at an upscale funeral. The ladies wore hats and veils and gloves, and the men wore black suits and tuxedos. As that minister spoke, he became louder and louder and more and more emotional, only pausing in his sermon to let the members of his congregation shout “Amen, Brother!” and “Praise the Lord!” and, “Thank you, Jesus!”

His message was salvation. He shouted, “Have you been saved?” and when the congregation shouted back, “Yes we have!” he was so carried away on that resounding wave of pure emotion that he yelled, at the very top of his lungs, “Any MOTHER ****ER who has heard the Word and not been saved is just plain dumb-ass STUPID!”

When he said that, the pandemonium of Christian joy turned to a profound and ear-shattering silence. That gutsy preacher paused for a moment, looked out over his shocked flock, and mumbled an awkward apology, which boomed as loud as a cannon shot in the dead-silent chapel, and then he resumed his sermon in a much more subdued voice.

As the funeral director, I was seated in the rear of the room. I noticed that the knuckles on my right hand were bleeding a little where I had bitten them to keep from laughing. The rest of the funeral was relatively uneventful.

Anonymous

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Growling Stomach Softens a Somber Moment

Jennifer Lane — Wed, 22 May 2013 17:17:53 +0000

My nephew Craig had a great sense of humor, and he passed away when he was only 19. At his funeral, the immediate family was all able to go view the body privately. We were all standing around reflecting and saying goodbye, a very silent and somber moment. Then his brother’s stomach growled like I’ve never heard a stomach growl in my entire life, and it just wouldn’t stop. One of us started laughing, then we all busted out laughing—we couldn’t help it. Hearing that stomach growl sure softened a somber moment, and Craig would have loved it. Someone said, “Craig must have set this one up”—as a final way to make us all laugh.

Scott M., Phoenix, Arizona

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