Catherine Durkin Robinson is the owner of Anitya Doula Services. She completed the End-of-Life Doula Program at the University of Vermont and is a member of the National End of Life Doula Alliance (NEDA).

What is a death doula?

If the pandemic highlighted anything, it’s how important it is to have a good death. We’ve seen countless pictures and heard heartbreaking stories. Too many people have been dying alone. Loved ones in hospitals hooked up to machines and tubes. Those at the end of life want another way. More and more, people are making plans. They’re thinking about ways to transition peacefully amidst support and love. A death doula can help them do that.

Planning for end of life.

When someone receives a terminal diagnosis, they suddenly feel overwhelmed.

There’s so much to do. Decisions must be made that include medical treatment, getting affairs in order, and dealing with the emotional aspects of dying.

Too often, people navigating this world feel lost and alone.

Doulas live in this world. They help families sort through what they want and determine what’s most important.

Many families don’t realize an entire network of support is available. As a society, we don’t easily talk about ways to die good deaths. We aren’t even aware of what we need or when we’ll need it.

On the other hand, a growing segment of the population wants to change this. They are planning for their end of life before a diagnosis happens. They just need assistance with the details.

A properly trained death doula helps at either stage.

Death doulas serve in many ways.

As a professional end-of-life doula, I work with clients and their families. I support children, young adults, or those who’ve lived long lives. Doulas also collaborate with grief counselors, elder care attorneys, home health care agencies, and funeral homes.

Every doula is different, but most listen, companion, and validate with actively dying people. They also:

• Write obituaries. Everyone has a story to tell. This includes traditional writing for public announcements, but also for future generations to enjoy. Shortened versions can be used for eulogies, and social media posts.
• Draft advance care directives. Many doulas have experience facilitating difficult conversations. With living wills in place, caregivers are relieved to know what their loved ones want and don’t have to guess.
• Plan funerals or memorial services. We incorporate music, prayers and rituals from many different faiths.
• Connect clients and families with a wide variety of pre and post-death services. Every community has a network of ethical and supportive professionals ready to help.
• Create a warm and loving space. Doulas bring candles, rugs, pillows, and anything else that might help make the room more comfortable.
• Coordinate care. We help visitors and volunteers help in the most effective way possible. This allows clients to focus their energy visiting with loved ones.
• Work on legacy projects. Doulas can create recipe books, necklaces, life stories and other gifts to be cherished by grieving loved ones.
• Companion. Many clients don’t want to die alone. At the same time, they want their families to be able to live their lives. Doulas provide important respite care for other members of the team.
• Doulas help make this time less frightening.

When doulas sit down and explain the dying process, clients are visibly relieved. Fear and apprehension seem to dissolve. Clients begin to relax and understand that this universal experience won’t be nearly as bad as they thought.

Doulas can do this for caregivers as well.

We know what questions to ask:

• What do you want from your final days?
• How do you want to live the rest of your life?
• How do you want to die?

People loathe the idea of discussing these issues, but the actual discussion is enlightening. It often relieves tension and guilt.

A good death doula will show a family how to sit down and talk about what’s coming in the next weeks or months. We model empathy. Respect. Family members are encouraged to listen without judgment.

This isn’t easy work. But these sacred discussions allow us to understand better the people we love.

Death doulas work with the medical team.

Doctors help people stay comfortable. They provide vital care that often ensures reduced physical pain and suffering at the end of life.

At the same time, the medical team has neither the time nor the training to help with emotional or spiritual suffering. A death doula does this kind of work. We alleviate emotional pain and facilitate conversations that help people live out their days free from regret.

“I can’t afford that.”

Yes, you can.

Depending on the services you need, the time you require, and your ability to pay – many doulas operate on a sliding scale.

Good deaths are similar to good lives.

The post What is a Death Doula? appeared first on Funeralwise.

Catherine Durkin Robinson is the owner of Anitya Doula Services. She completed the End-of-Life Doula Program at the University of Vermont and is a member of the National End of Life Doula Alliance (NEDA).

What is a death doula?

If the pandemic highlighted anything, it’s how important it is to have a good death. We’ve seen countless pictures and heard heartbreaking stories. Too many people have been dying alone. Loved ones in hospitals hooked up to machines and tubes. Those at the end of life want another way. More and more, people are making plans. They’re thinking about ways to transition peacefully amidst support and love. A death doula can help them do that.

Planning for end of life.

When someone receives a terminal diagnosis, they suddenly feel overwhelmed.

There’s so much to do. Decisions must be made that include medical treatment, getting affairs in order, and dealing with the emotional aspects of dying.

Too often, people navigating this world feel lost and alone.

Doulas live in this world. They help families sort through what they want and determine what’s most important.

Many families don’t realize an entire network of support is available. As a society, we don’t easily talk about ways to die good deaths. We aren’t even aware of what we need or when we’ll need it.

On the other hand, a growing segment of the population wants to change this. They are planning for their end of life before a diagnosis happens. They just need assistance with the details.

A properly trained death doula helps at either stage.

Death doulas serve in many ways.

As a professional end-of-life doula, I work with clients and their families. I support children, young adults, or those who’ve lived long lives. Doulas also collaborate with grief counselors, elder care attorneys, home health care agencies, and funeral homes.

Every doula is different, but most listen, companion, and validate with actively dying people. They also:

• Write obituaries. Everyone has a story to tell. This includes traditional writing for public announcements, but also for future generations to enjoy. Shortened versions can be used for eulogies, and social media posts.
• Draft advance care directives. Many doulas have experience facilitating difficult conversations. With living wills in place, caregivers are relieved to know what their loved ones want and don’t have to guess.
• Plan funerals or memorial services. We incorporate music, prayers and rituals from many different faiths.
• Connect clients and families with a wide variety of pre and post-death services. Every community has a network of ethical and supportive professionals ready to help.
• Create a warm and loving space. Doulas bring candles, rugs, pillows, and anything else that might help make the room more comfortable.
• Coordinate care. We help visitors and volunteers help in the most effective way possible. This allows clients to focus their energy visiting with loved ones.
• Work on legacy projects. Doulas can create recipe books, necklaces, life stories and other gifts to be cherished by grieving loved ones.
• Companion. Many clients don’t want to die alone. At the same time, they want their families to be able to live their lives. Doulas provide important respite care for other members of the team.
• Doulas help make this time less frightening.

When doulas sit down and explain the dying process, clients are visibly relieved. Fear and apprehension seem to dissolve. Clients begin to relax and understand that this universal experience won’t be nearly as bad as they thought.

Doulas can do this for caregivers as well.

We know what questions to ask:

• What do you want from your final days?
• How do you want to live the rest of your life?
• How do you want to die?

People loathe the idea of discussing these issues, but the actual discussion is enlightening. It often relieves tension and guilt.

A good death doula will show a family how to sit down and talk about what’s coming in the next weeks or months. We model empathy. Respect. Family members are encouraged to listen without judgment.

This isn’t easy work. But these sacred discussions allow us to understand better the people we love.

Death doulas work with the medical team.

Doctors help people stay comfortable. They provide vital care that often ensures reduced physical pain and suffering at the end of life.

At the same time, the medical team has neither the time nor the training to help with emotional or spiritual suffering. A death doula does this kind of work. We alleviate emotional pain and facilitate conversations that help people live out their days free from regret.

“I can’t afford that.”

Yes, you can.

Depending on the services you need, the time you require, and your ability to pay – many doulas operate on a sliding scale.

Good deaths are similar to good lives.

The post What is a Death Doula? appeared first on Funeralwise.

According to the Cremation Association of North America, more than 56% of people chose cremation in 2020. The number has been trending up for some time and will likely continue to rise. No doubt, COVID has accelerated that growth, but many factors such as cost and the mobility of today’s society have been driving the popularity of cremation up for some time.

When choosing burial, the critical decision with regard to the disposition of the remains is which cemetery to select. With cremation, it’s a little more complicated since there are numerous options for what you should do with the ashes. What is right for you will depend on your traditions, culture, and personal preferences. We’ve compiled some of the most common options for you. Keep in mind, there is no right or wrong choice. Only what you and your family are comfortable with. The point is, you want to honor the deceased and create a memorial that celebrates their life and memory.

Common Ways to Handle Cremation Ashes

Scattering

Scattering ashes is among the most popular ways to memorialize a loved with using their cremation ashes. Possible locations for the scattering vary widely and ultimately, it’s entirely up to you. Of course, you should be mindful that some spots, such as national parks, have regulations that cover scattering and private property may be off-limits.

Among the traditional choices for scattering ashes are:

• An outdoor setting that holds significance, such as a beach, mountain, park, or lake.
• A favorite vacation destination.
• In a scattering garden at a cemetery.
• At a recreational location such as a golf course, ballpark, or running trail.

>>More on Scattering Ashes

Plant as a tree

Incorporating ashes in the soil used when planting a tree is a long-lasting and sustainable option. Cremation tree planting kits are widely available, or you can purchase a sapling and include the ash during planting.

>>See the Living Urn System in our Memorial Store

Cemetery Burial or Entombment

Traditional burial in a cemetery plot specifically for cremation urns is still a common option. This will require that you work with a funeral home or cemetery to purchase a plot. Urns can also be placed in cemetery niches, mausoleums, and columbariums. Another possibility is to have the urn buried in an existing plot that a spouse or family member already occupies.

>>Find a Funeral Services Provider or Cemetery in our Provider Directory

Display in a Home Office or other Interior Location

If you would like to keep the remains of your loved one close at hand, you can keep the urn in a special place in any room. Fortunately, the days when your only choice for storing cremation ashes in a traditional urn are gone. There are now hundreds of shapes, styles, and colors available to compliment any décor. You can also choose to purchase several keepsake-size urns so that each family member can have a small portion of remains.

>>Visit Our Memorial Store To See Our Collection Of Tastefully Designed Urns And Keepsakes

Unique Non-Traditional Options

When it comes to memorializing a loved one by using cremation ash in a non-traditional way, your options are limited only by your imagination. These days you can have a loved one’s ashes launched into space, turned into fireworks, or pressed into a vinyl record.

>>Read This is Not Your Grandmother’s Cremation Urn for More

Having ash infused or stored in a unique jewelry item is becoming increasingly popular. Rings, bracelets, and precious gems can all incorporate ash.

>>See Our Collection of Cremation Jewelry

The post What Should You Do With Cremation Ashes? appeared first on Funeralwise.

If you suffer grief during the holidays, or you are supporting someone who is, there are things you can do to get through the season. Remember that you don’t have to do it alone. Ask for help, visit with a specialist, or find a support group to help you navigate this difficult time. Remember, everyone handles grief in his or her own way. Be patient! And make sure to budget time for self-care.

6 Tips for Managing Grief During the Holidays

1. Accept your grief.

Experiencing grief is a part of healing. Don’t be hard on yourself for feeling sad and don’t pretend that you feel “normal” if you don’t. And while it’s OK to feel sad, it’s also OK to enjoy yourself even though you are mourning. If you find yourself laughing and smiling, it doesn’t mean that you are being untrue to the person yo have lost or have forgotten them.

2. Anticipate what might happen and create a plan.

You don’t have to take part in every event. Think about which functions may be particularly difficult and opt out. Resist the temptation to seclude yourself completely since isolation may not be the answer either. Have a plan for what you will do if you are at an event and you feel the need to leave. Enlist a friend or family member to help you.

3. Tell others how you feel.

If you are struggling, don’t keep it to yourself. Talk with a loved one. Explain how you are feeling and discuss your strategy for getting through this difficult time. Those close to you will understand and can help you decide what you can reasonably manage. Don’t hesitate to seek the advice of a professional if you feel you need it.

3. Budget time to take care of yourself.

It is best to take part in holiday events in moderation. Overindulging in activities, alcohol, or food can intensity grief. Set aside quiet time or one-on-one time with family members. You don’t have to schedule every single moment. In fact, overdoing it may have exactly the opposite effect from what you intend.

4. Start a new tradition.

The holiday season is filled with traditions. In fact, that’s one of the things that makes this time of year special. Unfortunately, for those who are grieving, it’s one of the things that can make it the hardest since participating in traditions brings back memories that can make the loss feel sharper. If taking part in a tradition is too painful, skip it. Even better, create a new tradition. Incorporate things that honor the person you are missing. The activity may be something as simple as lighting a candle, planting a tree, or contributing to a charity in your loved one’s name.

5. Volunteer.

Science has proven that helping others can give a lift to those who are feeling down. While this may not apply specifically to grief, there is anecdotal evidence to show that volunteering during the holidays may help boost your spirits. If your loved one had a connection with a community effort, working in that area can be a great activity. If you don’t have a particular organization with which to work, look for a food bank, shelter, or community organization that is active over the holidays.

There is no timetable on grief and the holidays can be difficult no matter how long it has been since the loss. You don’t need to give yourself a cutoff date. You do want to prepare, however. Always remember to be kind to yourself. And one more reminder that if you think you need professional help, ask for it. There are many resources available and you owe it to both yourself and your loved one to take care of yourself.

Related Reading:

• Good Grief: The Path Toward Healing 
• Coping with Loss of a Pet

The post Handling Grief During the Holidays appeared first on Funeralwise.